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Read the expressive thoughts of our members

Monsters

Three Monsters live inside of me
Depression, Frustration and Anxiety
They are nuzzled deep unable to be detected
Tucked in my brain causing my life to be affected
I cry, I suffer, I struggle to cope
Silent I stay, as I do anything to stay afloat
To those in my life, I urge to run
For a life with me in anything but fun
Chaos, Rage, Intensity, just to name a few
And those are only surface wounds
The struggle is real
Its mind numbing, stress inducing, all consuming trauma
I wish for a time when there wasn’t so much drama
My struggle is real for now I exist just to feel

Alien

Abuse affects everyone in different ways. As a child, you don’t quite realize that abuse exists through language and treatment. However, it becomes clearer the more you find that you cannot express yourself without punishment and cruelty. I remember when I wanted to get a place with my two friends. My parents responded with threats of cutting me out of their life if I pursued this idea. Ten years later, I have figured out the direct impact that isolation and fear would have on me. After years of therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I see myself as an alien who cannot shake her old trauma. Others connect and relate, while I watch and silently question why I don’t do the same. My old town is still with everyone appearing the same, hushing me into a false sense of naivety that I may return when I wish without it exposing old wounds. However, once I return to my current home, I am angry, distant and frozen as I see the glaring difference between myself and those around me. Sometimes I think of escaping into my old life, crawling under a blanket to breathe and reflect the attempts I made to forget how damaged I feel. There is an alien in my current town and it is me for I cannot escape nor can I blend into the crowd.

Maybe crazy help

We are excited and honored to showcase a special talent and her efforts in blogging to reach others in need. Crystal Grasso (Ward) is helping others with depression, anxiety and stress. Please follow the link to her blog.

A Letter to Those Who Have Depression

Neuro-Atypical Neigborhood

In the mental health community, there are many support systems and partnerships. One of F.I.N’s partners is Neuro-Atypical Neighborhood. Nicole Cahill is breaking down mental health stigma, one story at a time. Follow the link to her website for more information.

https://neuroatypicalneighborhood.blogspot.com/

My current understanding (part 1)

For me, there is a time before art and a time after art. Before art, I felt too exhausted and tired and without energy.. I forced myself through my life and tried to fulfill all duties and what was expected and was focused on a career and on earning money. I went my way (education, studies, jobs, self-employment, volunteering) without myself and it seems to be not my way. I developed a big sadness and one of the reasons was that I worked without a real break (when there was a break it was pressured activity too or sleeping, no real hobby) and for a future without living in the moment, in the HERE and NOW. I no longer had the joy of life, although I was physically healthy and never suffered great catastrophes (defeats). At some point I gave in to fatigue, because I knew neither where I should find support nor why I should value my life. I slept a lot and thought I only had to sleep enough, then it will leave and I get energy again. But energy did not came back but sleeping has given me some kind of real new comfort. To give up and make a real big break and let go the pressure did something good in me and with me. To be not what is expected was a very interesting experience and I felt definitely that I miss myself and that I don´t miss my former life (state). I also experienced new fears which come with such a shift. Regress and not functioning are really not welcomed in a society like ours… My symptoms were most likely to go with depression. Too much sleep is also a form of sleep disorder and on the one hand I like the diagnosis of depression, because it is helpful to give your suffer a name and it counts officially as a disease. It gives your misery a description and is generally accepted as a sufferin, as an illness, (I don´t like the word disorder) as a phenomenon which is not based on laziness or craziness. Depression can be such a big question for people who are not informed and is well known at doctors or psychologists. And society in general is nor really prepared for it! The society seems not to realize that such a “disorder” has reasons and I definitely feel that the repair only lays on the side of the patient. The patient has to get empowered and learns how to strengthen up and the patterns in society remain as they are without really being questioned. Many people complain, complain and criticize society without pointing out the links between the things and my art is a space where I really sit out the problems as long as they are not solved, because I am convinced that depression is a phenomenon that has so much to do with our way of life, our way to live and our “Too lots” and “Too less”, our lacks and mistakes. A diagnosis with depression gives my struggle and suffering a name but also pushs me into a stigma which labels me as a depressive, weak woman, who is not able to make her living without these struggles and is not strong enough and whose struggles are self-taught or self-made, which it is definitely NOT.
 
https://mranai.tumblr.com/

My current understanding (part 2)

Depression is a signal for “TOO” (for TOO much, TOO less, TOO flexible, TOO fast, TOO long) and is not an illness on the edge but an illness far too long away from that edge. Depression is not easy to understand but there are ways to encounter depression and I really think that depression is curable (more ore less) as soon as the reasons for its “blooming” are found and accepted. And I also think that depression is not a state forever and depression can get limited as soon as you receive the right support and a full understanding and a certain knowledge or medicine about that phenomenon (called disorder). We generally need more and new tools to build up a new version of ourselves and our way to live (far more away from the NEW, the BETTER, the BIGGER needs of the capitalism´s and consumerism´s plan and concept). I think the version of my depression comes (ís popping up) with ignorance (of my own human needs, which is in general a mistake and one of the biggest and loudest and very strong demands of a capitalistic focused society). Depression pops up because of neglecting the hundreds of millions of unhealthy decisions which a human today has to make because of surviving) and is rooted in a time as I as a part of the society went to far, demanded to much or too wrong issues from my mind and my body! My art is my answer to that phenomenon (I suffer from) and in addition to it it is my way to deal with such a phenomenon and my art is pure self-determination (with also some photographs as a result) and can be understood as a reaction to the today´s required self-destruction or even self-elimination! Also it is a proposal and solution to live with depression. Every human with depression is a sad result of how urgent certain changes are and how long overdue. And we finally need to live one of the lots of possibilities & methods which reflect a new way to live and a way out to this phenomenon called depression. And we have to accept depression as one possibility of a result from that current way to live, to work and as a result from the hundreds of thousands of wrong decisions we (must) made in the past and still do today. The big themes are ours too and the problems got personal long before depression arises. The big developments, directions and changes are not divided from our smaller but not more unimportant issues. Our personal tragedies are a result of certain imbalances and can become a necessary part of the bigger picture. The personal is political. We can´t take the look from our personal exploitation, our personal focus on the human as a tool to maximize the gain. We have to stop delivering us as one of the most attractive, optimized version of our self to please the capitalism eye. We have to stop to deliver that high resolute human who feeds the impossible eternal growth. Instead we have to construct new issues, new approaches and new alternatives to the current exploitation and have to get really creative!  

https://mranai.tumblr.com/